A topic close to my heart and at one stage of my life, felt like it had ruined the decades that were ahead of me.

Infertility.

I spent a good part of my life trying not to fall pregnant.  Little did I know that at that time, I was probably never going to fall pregnant anyway. 

Everyone has their own unique battle.  With our IVF journey, we endured 3 IUI’s, 5 egg collections with only embryos to freeze from one of those cycles, resulting in an extra 2 transfers.  7 transfers, 3 IUI’s.  10 attempts in total.  A lot of IVF lingo that can be hard to understand but in general terms, for us, it can be described as utter devastation.  Utter devastation that none of those cycles resulted in one single pregnancy. 

Leigh and I made the decision to end our IVF journey after my mental health was at an all time low and my physical well being after all the hormones had taken its toll.  We felt like we had given it our all between trying naturally and IVF.  There is only so much we were willing to endure.   We weren’t living our lives.  Our infertility was classed as “unexplained”. A tough pill to swallow that the best Specialists, Professors, in the country, can only explain our case as “unexplained”. 

Coming towards the end of our journey we felt like we were flushing money down the toilet (although we had to try), all we wanted was someone to say if you do two more cycles, you will have your baby, but of course no one can promise that. And with that, we made the decision to move forward with our lives, mourning the loss of the life we thought we were going to have. 

Infertility did bring me positives.  It bought me friends I never would have met.  It taught me to be more understanding and have more empathy for people.  You really don’t know what happens behind closed doors and what someone could be going through.   Self preservation was something I also learnt.

Fast forward our lives.  3 years after I spoke to my specialist on the phone for the last time trying to hold it together in the car park at work, 3 years after we called it enough (notice I didn’t use the word quits).  3 years after we decided to never cycle again we somehow miraculously fell pregnant naturally.  Who knew that I would be more fertile in my 30’s than I would be in my 20’s.  Goes against all scientific statistics out there.  Our miracle arrived 7 years after we first started trying.

Not only have we been blessed with one, but two beautiful children we never thought we would have.  Our gorgeous Sophie and Samuel.  Going through all that IVF did not teach me patience unfortunately and I can definitely put my hand up and say I’m the mum yelling every single morning (ok and night, just ask my neighbours) but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  With just under 15 months between them its been a hell of a ride so far and I love watching them grow.

If you are going through infertility, I hope you make some good friends with women going through the same experiences as you, I guarantee you will stay friends with them for the rest of your lives, even if your lives take complete different paths.  You may not talk all the time but they will hold a special place in your heart.   Be kind to yourself, self preservation is ok and don’t ever feel bad about not going to that baby shower, but don’t isolate yourself completely.  Sometimes the balance is tricky and only you will know what you can face.

Mazz

oxox   

 Here are our gorgeous miracles who we are so proud of.